Dear Paul,
You're an asshole. You signed up for this show knowing two things: you'd be locked in a fake holding cell for two days, and that you were not actually under arrest. I say again...YOU WERE NOT ACTUALLY UNDER ARREST. Your act of little bitchery single handedly cost your brother, your mom, and you from having a shitpot of cash for no reason other than being able to chill the fuck out in a fake holding cell while not actually being under arrest.
Look, I get you were bored. I get it was cramped quarters. I get the interrogators were pressuring you and trying to trick you into being a dumbass and tell where the money was hidden, but for Christ's sakes it was all pretend! You were never going to be handcuffed, never going to be charged with a crime, never going to have some man named Cecil ask you to drink from his "tea cup" in a 10x10 in Folsom. Nope, the only thing that was going to happen to you was being $100,000 richer. $100,000 for just hanging out in a room, wearing a goofy jumpsuit, and lying to Starsky and Hutch for a couple days.
Instead, you'll go back to your mom's basement playing with Star Trek action figures and knowing that deep down, your brother will never truly forgive you for caving. I bet that's a delicious and effective sleeping pill. Holiday meals should be a fucking chatter fest between you two;
"Hey Raul, remember that time we rode the rollercoasters at the fair?"
"No, but I remember that time you gave up the free $100k because you're an asshole."
"Yeah but Raul, what about all the times we played fort in the basement?"
"Shut up. Asshole."
If they had something on ya, like dirty pictures or a secret you never wanted your brother to know and threatened to tell him, I might could understand. Might could. But I don't, I just don't understand how your balls could be so shrunken by a bunch of phony bullshit that you'd give in with only a few hours to go.
Well, I take that back. I do understand...
You're an asshole.
Sincerely,
Gus
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