Farty McFart Pants

Dear Farty McFart Pants,

You're an asshole. Not because you farted, I can live with that, shit happens as they say. But you sir(or madame) chose to fart on an airplane. Multiple times. That I cannot excuse no matter how long we had all been trapped on that damn plane.

You think because of the excessive amount of time we'd spent on that tin can last night it was well within your passenger rights to rip one off that pleather coach seat? In case you forgot, the air is all recirculated in a pressurized cabin. A'int no rolling down the window of the Lincoln and letting it air out, that ass cloud is hanging around for a hundred miles. Should make the cheap pretzels and $9 whiskey in a plastic cup go down oh so smooth.

Its not even the disturbance of available clean oxygen that pisses me off the most, hell I've smelled other peoples shit before and I can now definitively tell you, yours is not special and most certainly does stink. The asshole move of it all is how rude you were to tease the rest of us with your newly enjoyed release. Im old and crotchety, you don't think I need to fart too? We've been sitting on an airplane for five fucking hours, of course I and everyone else in row 37 have to raise a cheek to the right, but out of the good kindness of our hearts, we chose not to tempt the other 123 passengers on the plane into turning Delta flight 2142 into a flying porta-john exhaust valve.

You on the other hand decided your sphincter just couldn't take the pressure anymore and had to rumble the bumble. I bet when you let it go you honestly thought it might not smell, like the rest of us wouldn't notice. Well, I have news for you...

You were wrong, asshole.

Sincerely,
Gus